PuddleMonkey

Call me a silly conspiracy theorist, but I’m beginning to believe that Sarah Palin’s recent reference to the “Palin/McCain campaign” was more than just a slip of the tongue. I’ve come to the conclusion that Karl Rove promised Palin the presidency. And why not? She’s dumber than George W. Bush. And, sadly, she appeals to the same uneducated voter who elected him. This is how Karl Rove plans to keep himself in power.

During the 2004 election I many times talked with someone who referred to George W. Bush as “a man’s man.” Who cares that Bush Jr. dodged the draft while John Kerry actually served in the Vietnam War? Silly details. No, John Kerry is an elitist and looks like a momma’s boy. Bush Jr. looks like a man. He wears a cowboy hat, rides horses and drives a truck. He drinks beer and he has a criminal record! And by the grace of God, he just knows how the world works. Those are the qualities of a real man.

And, unfortunately, Sarah Palin plays to the same crowd, much to Karl Rove’s credit, no doubt. She’s a real woman, a woman’s woman. She hunts. With a high-powered rifle! From a helicopter! She’s a former beauty queen, and what woman doesn’t wish she too were once a beauty queen? God forbid we put a homely looking woman like Hilary Clinton in the White House. That’s just asking for trouble. Palin is a good woman who has never said “no” to her “first dude” because, after all, it’s a real woman’s duty to stand by (lay down for) her man no matter what. And like all real women, she thinks birth control is cruel. Won’t someone think of the poor, defenseless sperm?

Do I believe all republicans are dumb? No, of course not. What I believe is that Palin appeals to lazy people who aren’t interested in learning the facts, in researching or reading about a candidate’s policies, education, experience, voting record or history as a civil servant. They are the voters who take one look at a candidate and decide she’s qualified to be vice president because she’s attractive and and must be intelligent because she wears glasses. Palin appeals to voters who are intellectually bankrupt and make political decisions based on little more than emotion, much the same way they choose which vacuum cleaner to buy. This is the voter who is endeared to Palin because they too thought the Bush Doctrine had something to do with pubic hair.

Palin has an appeal that John McCain simply lacks. He looks soft. He has no energy. His face is deformed, and he can’t raise his arms above his head. He has the personality of a roof shingle. He puts the bore in bore. He’s dull, and Palin’s supporters clearly have a flair for the dramatic…even if it’s as insipid as Beverly Hills 90210. And Karl Rove knows it.