PuddleMonkey

I’ve started this post more than ten times now, and it’s taken me almost three weeks to write. The problem is that I don’t know where to start. If you were to ask me about my marriage–why it works, why I consider it a success, what areas need work–I’d say the same thing. I don’t know where to start.

I’m not trying to give anyone advice. I’m certainly no expert on the subject. For some time now I’ve just wanted to write about marriage because it fascinates me. Sometimes my marriage is very easy; other times it’s not. It’s never been “difficult,” although my husband may beg to differ. I don’t want to make any sweeping statements, but if there’s one truth I’ve learned about marriage, one bit of insight that I’ve gained, it’s this: my husband is never going to change.

And neither will I.

I’m not referring to simple things–our tastes in art or music, our jobs, our general interests. I’m referring to the people we are–the characters who make up each person’s core.

I rush to judgment. That’s never going to change. I get mad quickly. I don’t take personal criticism well, but I am honest with myself about my faults. I can work really hard for long stretches of time, whether I’m at the office or home. I’m a creative problem solver, but I often lack motivation. I have an excellent memory. I’m not very tidy. Never have been.

My husband is incredibly tenacious. He has an amazing desire to learn, especially with regard to his profession, and he works really hard. He’s really creative and one of the nicest persons I’ve ever met. But he’s not much help around the house. Messes don’t bother him as much as they do me. He also has the worst memory.

And he’s never going to pick up his dirty socks. He’s not trying to piss me off. He doesn’t refuse to pick them up as some sort of protest because I nag him. Even if I do ask him to pick up his socks, he often forgets. He’s just not a tidy guy, and that’s never going to change. So I don’t expect him to pick up his socks because he loves me. This has nothing to do with love. My husband just is who he is.

Now that doesn’t mean I won’t nag him. But I’ve learned that getting angry at him because he left his dirty socks on the bathroom floor (or wherever) is a waste of energy. And I don’t want to waste energy being mad…because what’s most important is that my husband is an amazing person–kind, supportive, funny, affectionate–and he makes me very happy. That’s worth picking up a few dirty socks.

So the truth about marriage, as I see it, is that if you want to help yours be successful, you have to accept that you can’t change your partner. And you shouldn’t want to. You should appreciate your spouse for all of his or her qualities, even those that may frustrate you.