PuddleMonkey

I’m avoiding the scale. It’s sitting under the bathroom sink, and every morning I see it. Every morning I’m reminded that I should weigh myself. I should be honest with myself. But I can’t do it. Not yet, anyway. Not right now. This is my 800-pound gorilla. At least it weighs more than I do.

After losing about 20 pounds last year, I’ve gained it all back. I’ve probably gained more than 20 pounds back. I obviously don’t know for sure because I refuse to weigh myself, but I feel like I gained all back. My clothes are tight, and I generally wear the same pair of slacks at least three times a week because they’re the only pair that fit comfortably and look remotely decent. I haven’t felt attractive for months, yet I’m more vain than ever. If I didn’t have to get out of bed, I probably wouldn’t. So I’ve decided to weigh myself when I feel better, when my clothes are a little looser, and when I’m not struggling as much to feel good about myself. Until then, I don’t think I can handle any more disappointment.

I never used to be so ashamed of my numbers, but now they seem to be adding up, pardon the pun, and the sum is something I worry I can’t manage. My cholesterol is high, over 180. I expect my weight is too. My blood pressure, which was always so low that I often suffered from hypotension, is up to 120/80. I probably weigh only 60 pounds less than my muscular 6′1 husband. I should weigh at least 100 pounds less. I take 1 prevacid for heartburn every day. After losing those 20 pounds, I was able to jog on the treadmill for 30 minutes…30 consecutive minutes. Now I can only manage 15 minutes before I’m out of breath. And I can do aerobic exercise for only 30 minutes before I run out of energy. Stomach crunches? I stopped counting. Let’s just say I have a lot of catching up to do. I also need to reduce my sleep number. Some nights I spend as many as 600 minutes in hibernation. I generally always feel tired, so I’ve increased my coffee intake by 2 cups every morning.

I have a lot of good numbers to consider too. I have 1 awesome husband, 5 great friends in whom I can confide anything, 2 healthy, happy dogs, 1 charming house, 1 good job (and gym in the office building), 10 fingers and 10 toes, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 2 legs, 2 arms, 2 pretty nice breasts, and 1 strong heart. All these numbers, I hope, will give me the strength to face the scale. I’ll let you know.